HELEN: Well, also, Jerry, we read an article in the Sun Sentinel. (digs in her purse and extracts a newspaper clipping) It says standup comedy is not what it used to be, what with def jam and all.
KRAMER: Yeah, that def jam is a force.
HELEN: Jerry, you know, I hear wonderful things about Bloomingdales’ executive training program.
JERRY: (sits on the back of the couch) Oh my god.
KRAMER: Y’know you’ve given this comedy thing your best shot. Yeah, you had some good observations, but it’s over. Now, this Bloomingdale thing, that could be the next wave.

(via The Money)

JENNA: Morning.
JERRY: Morning.
She hands him a tube of toothpaste.
JENNA: Hope you don’t mind baking soda flavour.
JERRY: (applying paste to brush) Ah, baking soda. Annoying little product. ‘I can do this. I can do that.’ Why doesn’t this stuff just shut up?
JENNA: I’m gonna grab you a towel.

Jenna leaves the bathroom. Jerry brushes his teeth. He clearly doesn’t like the taste of the baking soda, and leans over the sink to spit. He puts his hand on the counter and knocks Jenna’s toothbrush off the edge. The brush falls into the toilet bowl.

There is a shot from beneath the water in the toilet, looking up. Jerry’s face looking down into the bowl, with an expression of shock and horror.

Jerry looks behind him, to see if Jenna has spotted him. He rolls up the sleeve of his dressing gown, grimaces, and plunges his hand into the toilet. He grabs the brush out, drops it on a shelf beside the mirror and immediately begins frantically washing his hands. As he completes this task, he raises his head and finds Jenna has returned. She is standing behind him, smiling as she brushes her teeth with the brush he just retrieved from the toilet.

JERRY: Ooh-ooh

(via The Pothole)

Elaine: Ooooh! You’re taping.
Kramer: Just be yourselves.
Elaine: Aah! Okaaay.
Kramer: Well we’re talking with Elaine Benes; Adult film star on the set of her new picture “Elaine does the Upper West side”
Elaine: ( to the camera) Hi. How ‘re you doin’?
Kramer: I’m doin’ fine.
George: Do you speak English?…English!!
Kramer: Whooooa! here’s the director Jerry Seinfeld . Jerry , you discovered Elaine Benes?
Jerry: Well yes I did that’s true. A couple of a guys I knew in the coastguard told me about her…. and I sensed that she had the anger and intensity that I needed to make this film work.

(via The Tape)

Kramer: Sorry I couldn’t get out of there, what did I miss? (asking his “intern”)
Darren: Well, after ordering, Mr. Seinfeld and Mr. Costanza debated on whether or not iron man wore some sort under garment between his skin and his iron suit…
Kramer: Uh huh…
George: (Interrupts) And I still say he’s naked under there!
Jerry: Oh that makes a lot of sense.
George: Oh, shut up!

(via The Voice)

OWNER: China Panda.
ELAINE: Yeah, I’d like to place an order.
OWNER: Ah yes, what you like?
ELAINE: This Supreme Flounder, it says first time served in America. Is that true?
OWNER: What number?
ELAINE: Forty-seven.
OWNER: Yeah, first time. What else?
ELAINE: Uh, that’s it.
OWNER: Address?
ELAINE: Seventy-eight, West Eighty-sixth Street. Apartment three E.
OWNER: That’s southside. Sorry, we don’t deliver below Eighty-sixth.
ELAINE: I’m not below.
OWNER: Yes you are. Street itself is boundary.
ELAINE: Your guy can’t cross to my side?
OWNER: If we deliver to you, then what? Eighty-fifth Street, Wall Street, Mexico, Eighty-fourth Street.
ELAINE: Alright, fine. I’ll just cross and meet him.
OWNER: Sorry, food only for those who live within boundary. (slams down phone)
Elaine listens to the dial tone for a second. Then she pushes the redial.
OWNER: (picks up phone) China Panda.
ELAINE: (using silly voice) Uh, yeah yeah. I’d like to place an order.
OWNER: Ah, what you like?

(via The Pothole)

STUDENT 1: And then I received a 740 on the English achievement test.
GEORGE: Quick, what’s your favorite animal?
STUDENT 1: I.. I don’t know.. frog?
GEORGE: Frog??
STUDENT 1: Well, I.. I..
GEORGE: …Frog is wrong.

(via The Van Buren Boys)

Today’s bonus post…

Jerry: ..She was sitting at the table where I had my tape recorder…Okay great. Thanks again.. bye. HA Ha..Who do these women think they’re dealing with? Did she think she was gonna leave this incredibly erotic message on my tape and I was just gonna let it go. Not Bloody likely…
Kramer: What is that?
Jerry: That’s my cockney accent.
Kramer: Nah, that’s no good.
Jerry: Lets hear yours.
Kramer: Nought blooouudy leyekely..
Jerry: That’s the worst cockney accent I’ve ever heard in my life.

(via The Tape)

JERRY: George was scarfing shrimp at this meeting, and this guy says ‘Hey, George, the ocean called. They’re running outta shrimp.’
GEORGE: Listen to the comeback. (pleased) ‘Oh yeah? Well the jerk store called. They’re running outta you.’
George smiles and looks expectant. The other three just stare at him, with varying levels of confusion in their expressions.
GEORGE: (worked up) Wha…You gotta be kidding me?!
ELAINE: How ‘bout this one? How ‘bout, ‘Your cranium called. It’s got some space to rent.’?
GEORGE: (confused) What does that mean?
JERRY: (taps George’s chest) Hey, here you go. ‘Hey, Reilly. The zoo called. You’re due back by six.’
GEORGE: (frustrated) No. No, no, no. You’re not helping me.
KRAMER: Look, just tell him you had sex with his wife. That’ll kill him.
GEORGE: (shouting) I’m not looking for another line. I got the line.
KRAMER: Look, George, just think about it. You know, you’re married, how would you feel if somebody says to you that they just had se…
GEORGE: (really animated) Alright, alright. You see? This is why I hate writing with a large group. Everybody has their own little opinions, and it all gets homogenised, and you lose the whole edge of it. I’m going with jerk store! Jerk store is the line! Jerk store! Yess!

(via The Comeback)